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Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

You know? Can I stay with you? Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But, that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Shrek: Okay! But one night only. Donkey: Ah! Thank you! Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles.

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep? Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, I guess outside is best. Good night. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself. Outside, I guess. By myself. Shrek: [Sighs] I thought I told you to stay outside?

Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? Gorder: What a lovely bed. Gorder: [Sniffs] I found some cheese. Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff. Shrek: Enough!

What are you doing in my house? Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

Shrek: What are you doing in my swamp? Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it. Come on. Let's go! I didn't invite them. Pinocchio: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here. Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed und he puffed und he Shrek: [Sighs] All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is. Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is. Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? Shrek: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! Shrek: What did I say about singing?

Farquaad: That's enough! He's ready to talk. Farquaad: [Laughing] [Clears Throat] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!? Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll Gingy: No!

Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! Farquaad: All right, then. Who's hiding them? Gingy: Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? Farquaad: The muffin man? Gingy: The muffin man.

Farquaad: Yes. I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane? Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man. Gingy: The muffin man!

Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man. Captain of the Guards: My lord! We found it. Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. Farquaad: Magic Mirror. Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?

Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king. Mirror: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. Mirror: [Chuckles] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters.

Please welcome Cinderella. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.

Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But, don't let that cool you off. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? Thelonius: Three! Pick number three, my lord! Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three!

Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. And getting caught in the rain. Farquaad: Princess Fiona. Farquaad: She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. Mirror: Yes, but after sunset. Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men.

We're going to have a tournament. Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it. Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just Shrek: Where is everybody? Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, Duloc is a perfect place.

Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place! Farquaad: Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land.

Farquaad: Today one of you shall prove himself Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Donkey: Sorry about that. Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth.

Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. Farquaad: Let the tournament begin! Farquaad: Indeed.

Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! Shrek: Can't we just settle this over a pint?

Shrek: No? All right then. Come on! You're living in the past, it's a new generation. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Never said I wanted to improve my station. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Shrek: [Laughs] Oh, yeah! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Guard 9: Shall I give the order, sir? Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!

Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back. Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Shrek: Exactly the way it was? Donkey: Let me get this straight.

You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Shrek: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. Donkey: I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. Donkey: You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Onions have layers.

Ogres have layers! You get it? We both have layers. Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. Shrek: I don't care what everyone likes. Are not. Like cakes. Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. See ya later. Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet. Shrek: You know, I think preferred your humming. Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. Donkey: Ooh! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. We must be getting close. Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone.

I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either. Remember when you said ogres have layers? Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. Donkeys don't have sleeves. Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights? Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!

Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay. For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better. Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. I'm lookin' down!

God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now. Shrek: But you're already halfway. Shrek: Donkey-- Let's have a dance then, shall we? Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Donkey: Cool.

So, where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. Donkey: [Chuckles] I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation.

Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess. Shrek: The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. Donkey: What makes it you think she'll be there?

You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it. Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--? Donkey: No. Oh, no. Donkey: I mean, I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there.

Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're-- You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh-- [Coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek in Armor: Are you Princess Fiona?

Fiona: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. Fiona: But, wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window, and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Fiona: Mm-hmm. You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! Shrek in Armor: I don't think so.